grief, love, and mercy...

my dad

my little sister, my brother, and me...

i've really been missing my dad and my brother lately. i always miss them, but when the holidays come, the ache in my heart for them becomes more intense.

if i'm honest, the last few weeks i've been frustrated with God. even though i love Jesus with all of my heart, i was telling a friend how i go from not wanting to talk to Him at all, to longing for His presence - like a child who is angry at her father, but then, a moment later, happily asks him to spend some time with her.

sometimes things seem so bleak, the world around us so dark, that i find myself questioning things in my heart, even though my mind knows them to be true.

today i read an entry from the advent devotional i've been using for many years. it's called, "the Lord is near," and it has scripture along with excerpts from the writings of one of my favorite authors, henri j.m. nouwen. i'm always surprised (though, i shouldn't be by now), at how God meets me head-on in the midst of my grief, anger, and frustration, with His love and mercy.

the following is what i read today:

Called Back

As Jesus went on from there, two blind men followed him, crying loudly, "Have mercy on us, Son of David!"

Matthew 9:27

O LORD, all you ask of me is a simple "yes," a simple act of trust so that your choices for me can bear fruit in my life. I do not want you to pass me by. I do not want to be so busy with my way of living, my plans and projects, my relatives, friends and acquaintances, that I do not even notice that you are with me, closer to me than anyone else. I do not want to be blind to the loving gestures that come from your hands, nor deaf to the caring words that come from your mouth. I want to see you as you walk with me and hear you as you speak to me.

Your heart is so full of the desire to love me, so aflame with a fire to warm me. You so much want to give me a home, a sense of belonging, a place to dwell, a shelter where I feel protected and a refuge in which I feel safe. You stand at so many squares and corners of my life and say with so much tenderness, "Come and see, come and stay with me..."

I trust in you, Lord, but keep helping me in my many moments of distrust and doubt. They are there and will be every time I turn my eyes, ears or hands away from you. Please, Lord, keep calling me back to you, by day and by night, in joy and in sadness, during moments of success and moments of failure. Never let me leave you. I know you walk with me. Help me walk with you today, tomorrow and always.

i pray that this speaks Truth to you, as it did to me.

praying for all those wrestling with grief, as well as joy, this christmas season... blessings to you, dear ones...