today was a day.

i typed the following on december 18th, but i didn't post it. i've been doing that a lot lately. not sure why. maybe it's because i don't feel like i'm able to completely articulate the way i'm feeling through my writing, so i get frustrated - and then don't share what i've written. but since you are my dear friends, i know you'll have grace for this blog, for the fact that my ability to write my thoughts out in a way that satisfies me is a work in progress... mainly, grace for me.


currently, my eyes are tired and red and puffy from crying. i cried for a good hour tonight. it's been a while since i've cried like that.

my husband is sick. and i hate that. i hate not being able to make him feel better.

i miss my friends. i have good friends in michigan (namely, andi & brad), and i'm so thankful to be back with them and with my family. but i miss my texas friends. i miss my church. i miss my family.

i wonder why God has me in michigan. what purpose could my being here serve? being home all the time is beginning to wear on me. i'm lonely. i feel as if my spirit is weak. i tell rick, "i have to get out of here. i'm going to go to the store, or something." and he looks at me. we sit down on the couch, and i begin to cry. i tell him that i'm sad. that i miss my friends. that i feel overwhelmed by all of the nothing-ness in my life. i need out. my husband lovingly looks at me, and tries to comfort me, but i cannot be comforted. not at this moment.

and then God shows me love. shows me grace. shows me He's there.

the phone rings. it's mandi. and i cry to my friend. i tell her i miss her. i tell her that i don't know what's wrong, but that i'm sad. and she listens. she speaks truth to me. she loves me. and through her, Jesus listens, speaks truth, and loves me.

rick and i eat our ham and cheese omelets for dinner. i'm feeling strengthened. as i get ready to go to the grocery store, the phone rings again. it's anne. before answering the phone, rick says to me, "another one of your friends who loves you is calling to talk to you."

anne and i talk about what's going on with us... we laugh. i tell her that if she had called an hour earlier, i would have been crying. i tell her i miss her. i think i might start crying again, but she says something random, and i start laughing again. i talk to her while i drive to kroger's. we talk and joke and rant and laugh as i place the milk, eggs, mini-marshmallows, and bananas into my shopping cart. and the laughter is healing. what a gift.

and i realize that God is loving me through all of this... the entire day. even in my loneliness. especially in my loneliness. He is so good, so faithful. i love you, Jesus.

quote of the day...

"aww! i didn't want to be famous for being mean... i wanted to be famous for catching santa claus!"

- homer simpson

a morning in the life...

i woke up this morning with terrible cramps. i took some advil, sprawled out on our couch, and proceeded to watch "britney: for the record" on MTV. yeah, i don't know.

i looked out the window, watching the snow falling down, swirling around... and noticed some activity by the pumpkins that are still decorating our patio. a squirrel had gnawed his way through half of one of the smaller pumpkins. for almost an hour this animal gorged itself on the orange innards of the small squash, leaving a mess behind for me to clean up. i guess that's what i get for having pumpkins outside my front door in december.

"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe."





Psalm 61: 1-3

what a blessing it has been to be back in michigan for the changing of the seasons. fall in michigan is SO beautiful.

this past week has been very cold and windy, and so many of the leaves have fallen off of these trees. winter is right around the corner. the changing of the leaves, the trees, the seasons are a reminder to me of God's goodness and His faithfulness.

the transition of leaving texas and moving to michigan has been more difficult than i thought it was going to be. i miss our texas family, our church, the city of austin.

i find comfort in God and in rick. truth is spoken to me. Jesus loves me and is with me. He does not disappoint.

though the trees will soon be barren, i pray that i'll find hope in their empty branches - that they will be a symbol to me of patience. of waiting. of trusting that new life will come.