today was a day.

i typed the following on december 18th, but i didn't post it. i've been doing that a lot lately. not sure why. maybe it's because i don't feel like i'm able to completely articulate the way i'm feeling through my writing, so i get frustrated - and then don't share what i've written. but since you are my dear friends, i know you'll have grace for this blog, for the fact that my ability to write my thoughts out in a way that satisfies me is a work in progress... mainly, grace for me.


currently, my eyes are tired and red and puffy from crying. i cried for a good hour tonight. it's been a while since i've cried like that.

my husband is sick. and i hate that. i hate not being able to make him feel better.

i miss my friends. i have good friends in michigan (namely, andi & brad), and i'm so thankful to be back with them and with my family. but i miss my texas friends. i miss my church. i miss my family.

i wonder why God has me in michigan. what purpose could my being here serve? being home all the time is beginning to wear on me. i'm lonely. i feel as if my spirit is weak. i tell rick, "i have to get out of here. i'm going to go to the store, or something." and he looks at me. we sit down on the couch, and i begin to cry. i tell him that i'm sad. that i miss my friends. that i feel overwhelmed by all of the nothing-ness in my life. i need out. my husband lovingly looks at me, and tries to comfort me, but i cannot be comforted. not at this moment.

and then God shows me love. shows me grace. shows me He's there.

the phone rings. it's mandi. and i cry to my friend. i tell her i miss her. i tell her that i don't know what's wrong, but that i'm sad. and she listens. she speaks truth to me. she loves me. and through her, Jesus listens, speaks truth, and loves me.

rick and i eat our ham and cheese omelets for dinner. i'm feeling strengthened. as i get ready to go to the grocery store, the phone rings again. it's anne. before answering the phone, rick says to me, "another one of your friends who loves you is calling to talk to you."

anne and i talk about what's going on with us... we laugh. i tell her that if she had called an hour earlier, i would have been crying. i tell her i miss her. i think i might start crying again, but she says something random, and i start laughing again. i talk to her while i drive to kroger's. we talk and joke and rant and laugh as i place the milk, eggs, mini-marshmallows, and bananas into my shopping cart. and the laughter is healing. what a gift.

and i realize that God is loving me through all of this... the entire day. even in my loneliness. especially in my loneliness. He is so good, so faithful. i love you, Jesus.